Loss is Hard

As the sun sets tonight on Feb. 13, 2023, our family is somberly reflecting on the hardest decision we’ve had to make on this farm. Our family dog, Cocoa Bean, was laid to rest peacefully under our big willow tree after 13 wonderful years together.

We may have experienced death of animals, because we are working on building a self sustaining farm, but this loss is different. Our farm animals have a purpose and we know their purpose. Cocoa’s purpose was to be a loyal companion and member of our family. That is exactly what she was; she fulfilled her purpose to the fullest. We couldn’t have asked for a better dog for our family.

Cocoa officially became a Tedder when she was just 6 weeks old. She’s lived in 3 different states and 6 different houses. It wasn’t the houses that made Cocoa a happy dog; it was the fact that she was with her family. She was loyal and obedient. She knew what she was allowed to do and what she wasn’t and followed those rules the best she could. While my husband was away for work or training, Cocoa was my companion. As a puppy, she was energetic and ready for the next adventure. She loved to hike and explore anywhere we would take her. She was my “belly protector” while I was pregnant. As Will entered the house late at night, after his night shift, Cocoa would stand on the bed and straddle my belly and growl at him until she was sure it was him who was entering. She was sweet and kind to whoever came to visit. Once the kids were born, she was instantly gentle, carefully giving lots of puppy kisses.

Cocoa was everything we could ever ask for in a dog. She may not know many tricks or play fetch, but she listened when I needed to vent, cuddled me when I cried, and celebrated when we played and walked together. She was always there…and now she’s not. My heart hurts, but I know she’s no longer suffering. In May 2023, we moved into our 20 acre property. She acted like she was in heaven on earth. Unleashed, she wandered all over our land. Her tail was wagging, she’d sniff out deer trails, and follow me to the coop while I did chores. She lived harmoniously with our chickens and rabbits. She was truly happy and living her best life on our land.

After Christmas, her age started to show. The average lifespan of a puggle is 13 years; however, I thought she’d live forever. She started to decrease in eating, and her breathing started to be strained. She continued to go outside to go potty and got off the couch if she had to cough. She did her best to hide her pain and follow the rules she had obeyed for so long.

Last night was my breaking point. I had wondered up till this point how I would know it was time. What would it be like? What would she act like? Well, it was nothing like anything I had envisioned in my mind. Last night while lying in bed, listening to her breathing so heavily, stretched between my legs, I felt the breaking point. It was wrong of me to listen to her breathing the way it was. It was wrong of me to hug her and allow her to whimper under her breath. I waited for God to take her naturally. I prayed He would take her naturally; but every morning she woke up trying her best to be the companion she was so great at being.

As a family, we made the hardest decision of our life on this farm. I believe that God allowed it to happen the way it did, because our family embraced together and were able to grieve and work though this emotional situation together. We said our good-byes to Cocoa while she laid peacefully in her predator proof coffin, and buried her under the willow tree, which is one of our favorite spots on our land. We cried. We told stories. We cried some more. It will be weird. It will take time, but I hope we continue to tell fun stories we’ve had with Cocoa and keep her in our hearts forever.

Kai said it best when he said, “We’ll see you again in heaven Cocoa Bean.” We love you!